Author Notes on “Hope - Christmas Quilt Brides”
In late summer of 2015, we relocated back to Connecticut from Maryland for my husband’s job. We were going back to family, lifelong friends, familiar roads, restaurants, and our former life in New England.
We were especially excited to have Thanksgiving with my mother. My daughter was flying in from D.C. and we looking forward to a wonderful holiday.
Though Mom was 88, she still walked to Mass every Saturday night, went out for dinner with friends, and was able to keep her small, one-bedroom apartment in a senior living complex in good order. I’m not sure if it was her age or the fact that I’d been living in Maryland for 15 years that made me unaware that this holiday marked the beginning of her cognitive decline.
The day after Thanksgiving was customary for me to begin my Christmas baking. Having Mom there assured me I’d get a lot done. Immediately, she pitched in and began mixing the ingredients while I was busy doing something else. When I checked on the batter, I knew something was wrong…she had forgotten to add the flour. While it wasn’t serious, what she said to me next was worrisome, “I’ve never made these cookies before,” when I knew she had since she taught me how to make them.
The next morning I brought her home to Massachusetts. There, she asked me if I noticed a difference in her. I knew instinctively that if she was asking, then she had noticed it as well.
As time went on, her short-term memory loss became more pronounced. Her PCP suggested psychological testing, which showed what my brothers and I already suspected…she had dementia. During a family meeting, we decided to divide the tasks of caring for her. My younger brother took over her checking account and paid the bills; my older brother was the executor of her will; and I would take care of her medical appointments and needs.
On more than one occasion, she’d called me crying that she had no food, no money. She couldn’t remember how to do laundry, wore two different shoes, and insisted she could walk to her hair appointment, determined to cross a busy main street. She watched the same channel on t.v. because she didn’t remember how to work the remote. Since she couldn’t carry the thread of a conversation, she stopped interacting.
Realizing the next step was a nursing home, we sought the guidance of a social worker. She helped us through the complex myriad of paperwork. At her suggestion, we put Mom’s name on the waiting list at several facilities.
Once there, Mom’s condition would decline then plateau, etc., her personality changed, she became fearful of showering, and would only sleep in a recliner.
Last Thanksgiving was the last time we talked on the phone. When I called on Christmas Eve, the nurse told me she was no longer speaking. The day after Christmas we made the two-day trek to Massachusetts. My brothers and their families were there as well.
We said our final goodbyes.
Mom passed two days later on New Year’s Eve.
When I sat down to write my second book in the Christmas Brides series, there was no question about the theme of the story. It was an avenue for me to express what a dementia patient was experiencing as well as the caregiver, and those who love the patient.
Here is what I learned and hoped to convey to the reader using Gabe Dawson’s situation with his beloved Gran:
Don't Rush: Allow plenty of time when helping your loved one get ready for the day.
Talk Before Trying: Reminisce about something you know he's interested in before you attempt to physically care for the person.
Use a Visual Cue: Hand her a dish towel and ask her to help you dry the dishes.
Take a Time Out: If it's not going well, ensure the safety of your loved one and give them some time. A few minutes can sometimes seem like an entire day.
Switch Caregivers: Sometimes, the fresh face of a different caregiver can yield better results.
Less Is More: Is what you're trying to help her with really necessary? Then continue to work on it. But, if you can let something else go that's not as important for the day, both you and your loved one will benefit if you pick your battles.
Offer a Familiar Item to Hold: Sometimes, a person can be reassured and calmed simply by holding a favorite object. Or in Nora Dawson’s case, her favorite quilt.
Don't Argue: Rather, use distraction or just listen.
Remain Calm: Even though you might feel frustrated, your loved one will respond better if you stay calm and relaxed.
“Dementia robs millions of people of their memories, independence, and dignity, but it also robs the rest of us of the people we know and love.”
Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus